How You Make Me Feel: Lunamaria Hawke
by Roxie Zephyr Jocelyn
Summary: The first fic in the HYMMF Series. The pairing: Athrun x Lunamaria. Set in the future, Lunamaria wonders about her past: did she ever truly love him? Or did she merely love a facade?


A/N: This will be a slightly long Author's Note so bear with me. This fic is post-Destiny and set in a distant future. Because of its timeline, there will be some differences regarding the characters and their lives. If you do not mind not knowing the exact details, be my guest and read on. If not, here is a brief background on the setting behind this one-shot.

The war has long ended and the characters have all moved on in their lives. Lunamaria is now living with Shinn and working as a budding journalist. Her sister, Meyrin, is working as the secretary to the Chairman of PLANT. As for Athrun, he too has grown up and is now the Chairman of PLANT. This story is done in Lunamaria's POV as she contemplates the past and her love for one Athrun Zala.

Now that the stage is set, it's on to the story. As usual, the amazing characters of Gundam Seed and Gundam Seed Destiny do not belong to me but to their esteemed creators. With that said, ENJOY!

Info:

Taichou – the Japanese term for captain.

How You Make Me Feel: Lunamaria Hawke

It has been two years and the war seems nothing more than a distant nightmare. My battles were now with Shinn over what to have for breakfast, lunch and dinner. My weapons now are my pen and words. I am now a budding journalist, hoping to find a place where I belong, where I would feel just as contented as Meyrin does. As I stole a glance at my watch, it told me that my sister was five minutes late and counting. I couldn't help the laugh that bubbled from within, my mind thrown back to our childhood where I would lecture her on punctuality. Visiting Meyrin had always been a joy for me, a refreshing break from the humdrum ways of life.

My impromptu trip down memory lane is quickly halted as a lilting voice calls out to me. In my eyes, she hasn't changed much, at least superficially, even that weariness that seemed to cloak her in a velvety embrace. Meyrin had always overworked herself, striving to prove herself in the eyes of those around her. Her angelic features and younger-than-life look had always worked against her as she struggled to gain recognition and respect. But, now peeking through that weariness was contentment and the full look of being completely accepted. Her countenance of such paradox has always reminded me of a mother worn and wearied yet so filled with joy and wonderment that it lent wings to her feet. Her eyes too are a spark livelier, shimmering with triumph and fulfillment.

And, I know that it is you who have put it there – that spark that glimmers as brightly as the sun. Her dedication and devotion to you is unfathomable, standing strong against the trials and tribulations of time. Her whole world revolves around you. You are her world. I think back to a time when it was me she clung to, always the younger one, always the weaker one. In those days, the world seemed to weigh on her and she saw only me. I was her comforter. I was her protector. I was her strength. But now, as she smiles so radiantly and chatters away cheerfully, her entire being is contentedly light, not weighed down in the slightest by the world. As she strolls beside me in determined steps and speaks to me in a clear firm voice, I see nothing of the crybaby from the past. Instead, I see a woman whose eyes and words speak of maturity, her childhood shell long disposed off. In her, I see tempered strength that outshines even my own. My sister, though still bearing bouncing ponytails and an innocent cherubic face, was no longer a child. She has become a woman. It is you who have made her so. And, sometimes, I can't help but wonder: how did you change her so? How did you entrance her so?

How did you entrance me so?

Our first meeting was nothing short of spectacular, one which many teenage girls would dub a meeting of destiny. I didn't know who you were then as you stood in front of me, the blonde Princess of ORB by your side. It was not love at first sight as so many believed. I had been wary of you, suspicious. Maybe I had always spoken in awe about the princess but the moment your eyes met mine, your body wrung as tightly as a coiled spring from tension, your entire being radiating danger and fatality, my fixation on you had begun. I called you child then, referring to the both of you as children even as I turned my gun on you. I interrogated you, using abrasiveness to wear at your emotionless wall. You wouldn't budge, you didn't give. Looking back, I was perhaps more intimidated of you than you were of me even though I was the one with the advantage and you were cornered. When you introduced yourself as Alex Dino, I dismissed you as a mere civilian. But, even as I led you into Minerva, to grant your request for medical aid, your presence had already been fixed in my mind. I had always been the strongest. Never have I been intimidated before and never by a mere civilian in my own territory.

That alone should've alerted me to your unique position. Athrun Zala, elite member of the Klueze Team, hero at the Jakin Due Battle, now a bodyguard to Cagalli Yula Atha, Princess of ORB. When your princess called your name, my whole world had frozen. Your exploits are spoken of in the academy, tall tales of your bravery and heroics, passed down from senior to junior. You were THE Athrun Zala. It is something worth giggling about as I remember your reaction to my spouting off your biography as if I had memorized it from a textbook. You looked like a deer caught in headlights, the prey of a stalker who had finally met his hunter. But, that moment of unguarded expression was gone in a split second, leaving nothing but a mirror of distant politeness. I didn't want that. I wanted to see what lay behind that mask. I offered you my gun, tempting you into showing off your skills. You were still a man after all and your ego would've been bruised from the way I had hinted my doubts at how good your actual sharp shooting skills were.

And, you surprised me again. You had refused at first but my insistence seemed to wear something down in you. Your emerald eyes flickered with a sudden emotion and you took the gun from my hand. In my moment of stunned realization, I nearly missed how impressive your sharp shooting skills were. But, something else had impacted me that day. It wasn't your ego that had prompted you to take me up on my offer. Your eyes had been a turmoil of emotions – apprehension, nostalgia and surprising liberation. You looked like a dying man who had been given life when I offered you that gun. My stupour broke just in the nick of time and I barely had the chance to voice my praise on your skills as well as ask for a few tips. You seemed delighted at first, excited to impart some of your extensive knowledge to me but then a voice whispered your name and your eyes dimmed. A veil had descended on you that seemed to snuff the life out of you. You left that day, your words ringing in my ears: who are our enemies?

That was the last I saw of Athrun Zala, the vulnerable confused young man. The next time you returned, you were nothing like the young man I had first met. Where your deadliness was once on display, shielding you, that same strength was now hidden within an icy wall. You were now my superior, a FAITH officer. You had returned as Zala-taichou. Where you were once diamond in the rough, you were now a flawless gem. The vulnerability I saw was gone, replaced by composure and poise. You were the epitome of strength and excellence, definitely the hero whose exploits were whispered from within the walls of the academy to the fields of the training grounds. You were perfection personified. Rey, who looked upon everyone with indifference with the exception of Chairman Dullindal, respected you. Shinn, who rebelled against every one of authority, could do nothing but obey you, grudgingly bending to your will and surprisingly loyal to you. And, I was impressed. More than impressed. You were everything I had hoped for in a boyfriend – strong, courageous, mysterious, kind and cool. I did everything and anything to get your attention, even pushing my own sister out of the picture. I desired you. I needed you. I was in love.

Or was I?

When I saw you fall from your perfect pedestal, hunted like a common criminal, my strong passion for you faded, flickering as vulnerably as a candle in the wind. I had wondered then: did I truly love you, or did I love the ideal image you presented to me? You were now a traitor to ZAFT, a dangerous enemy, forced to run and hide, a very far cry from the mature, self-assured, cool and composed young man that was my captain. My belief in you had been shaken to the very foundation. Who then was the man I had lived with, fighting side-by-side? Was it Zala-taichou? But, my captain would not have been so reckless, gambling his life and rebelling against ZAFT. So, was it you then, the young man behind the mask, the one who I had met before you joined ZAFT, the one who had astounded me when we first met? Was this traitor the real Athrun Zala? And, more importantly, did I love you? Or was my feelings nothing more than those for a façade, broken that very night?

Then, I learnt about Meyrin. There was no question. The tiny flickering flame was snuffed out. My love for you burned out and from the ashes, my hate for you began to burn, searing me from within. Upon the waves of anguish and grief came obsession. I was once again obsessed with you, this time for revenge. For even your apparent death by Shinn's hands could not satisfy me. You had entered my world, unceremoniously turning it upside down. With your betrayal, you had taken my world from me. With your death, you had taken my sister from me. I lived on that obsession for you, my heart beating on that passion. You had betrayed Meyrin. You had betrayed me. Yet, it was you who had the honour of sharing the last moments of her life, sharing her final breaths.

It was then I realized. My heart would not be free from the cage of my obsession until I found you. Not Zala-taichou, whom I had admired and loved but you Athrun Zala, the traitor who had betrayed ZAFT, who had betrayed me.

My obsession, I later learned was not one of hatred nor a thirst for revenge. I just wanted the truth, the answer – to the war, to your betrayal, to my fixation on you. For even as I had grieved for Meyrin, your stricken face remained in my mind. For even as I had sought comfort from Shinn, your strong arms were around me. For even as I stood before you, striking out against you, your firm voice encouraged me and gave me strength. I wanted answers and surprisingly, I found them in you.

You will never know my terror as I turned from you against Shinn in that final battle. Even now, my nightmares are haunted by the desolation and absolute emptiness in his eyes. My limbs will never forget the feeling of freezing in hesitation to strike against a friend in so obvious anguish. My ears will never forget the desperate sounds of my screams as the deadly blow sought to snatch my life from me – my blood staining the weapon of a friend's. And, you will never know the intense relief and absolute weakness that overwhelmed me when you came from behind me, shielding me from the pain of my body and the guilt of my mind.

You left us then, on the moon, with an unconscious Shinn in my arms. Your eyes as you looked upon my limp friend were unfathomable to me, distant with a foreign emotion. But, when you turned to me, I saw only concern and compassion. Your eyes spoke where your lips did not: take care of him. I opened my mouth to answer, anything that would suffice to break the barrier in me that was threatening to shatter from my tumultuous emotions. Perhaps you knew of my need and hesitated but even with that small chance, I could not speak. The words simply wouldn't come, as if the slightest sound would break my brittle mind. And, maybe it would. For once, I had no power to conquer my emotions. For once, my strength failed me. I was left with nothing, broken by the emotions that controlled every nerve in my body, every fibre of my being. Unbeknownst to me, I had averted my eyes but too late was the knowledge. You had already left.

I don't know what went through my mind in those precious minutes where I was left with nothing but emptiness. Even as you stayed at the back of my mind, my conscious thoughts turned to the boy in my lap. Now, I wonder: were you a seer? Did you foresee that Shinn, already made vulnerable, was on the brink of losing himself? Did you see that I, whose strength had been drained and left with nothing but dust, would simply fade away if I had nothing to hold on to? Did you? For in those moments when I simply felt like ending everything, my heart was filled with thanksgiving to you. You had protected me from myself, from my destructive emotions. You had given me a task to do, to show me that I was still needed. Even as I turned to Shinn, my hand tenderly tangled in his hair, and whispered, 'Everything will be all right. I will protect you', I felt needed. And, I knew that giving up was not an option when I was needed, when I had someone who depended on me.

When you returned, moments later, offering your hand to us, I knew that I could take it, that I could fully place my trust in you. Cradled in the palm of your Gundam, I felt darkness overtake me, the Mistress of Night seducing me to dance to her tune. You were there. I did not need to be the shield. You were shielding me.

Zala-taichou was gone. But, you Athrun Zala, had come back for me.

Now, as I watch you from afar, I try to convince myself that it was not you that I had truly loved. You were to me, my ideal boyfriend – strong, cool, courageous, compassionate, intelligent, the epitome of excellence. I had fallen in love with the image you presented, that flawless façade of perfection and security amidst the failings of a warring and turbulent world. But, for the young man behind that façade, I had no feelings. My love for you crashed and burnt that night you left ZAFT, dragging my sister to the depths of death with you. I try to convince myself that all my feelings for you were gone.

But, as Meyrin runs up to you, actively gesturing in my direction, you turned and emerald meets violet. My heart flutters. The smile you direct at me is so incredibly familiar in the warmth it radiates, so comforting and so secure. Yet, I see the subtle differences between the you of the present and the you of the past. Your expression is a little more open than Zala-taichou's ever were and your eyes are clear, compassion shining in their very depths where there would have only been distant politeness. And, then I realized.

I had loved you and I still do. Somewhere along the way, I had begun to notice Athrun Zala, the young man who was as innocent in the ways of the world as I had been who had barely blossomed into adulthood. Somewhere along the way, I had begun to notice your awkwardness in handling your growing maturity, finding it more adorable than the pretense of coolness which Zala-taichou presented. I had begun to look for hints of your kindness that was shut away and deemed unneeded on the battlefield. I had begun to look for that look of tearful vulnerability, present after every battle though you tried to hide it behind a mirror of composure. Somewhere along the way, I had begun to look for Athrun Zala in the shards of a mirror that was Zala-taichou. Somewhere along the way, I had found you. And, I had fallen in love with you.

You had reached out to me and responded to the vulnerable girl inside, and not the flirtatious woman outside. Your arms were strong as they held me in comfort, seeking to protect me, treasuring me. When I cried, faking tears or in genuine anguish, you had been there, never judgmental, always supportive. Your eyes when you looked at me flooded me with warmth and comfort. Your voice when you called out to me spoke of assurance and hope.

You came into my world, turning it upside down, all the while remaining as my only constant. You made me feel protected when all my life I had been the protector. You comforted me with your security when all my life I had been another's shield. You wormed your way into my heart, your warmth giving me the fire to support my friends through life. You gave me the chance to be vulnerable while remaining my pillar of strength. You became my leader, taking away the burdens and responsibilities that I had bourne all my life and bearing them on your own wiry shoulders.

And, that's why I love you.

I love you Athrun Zala…

…not only for the man you are…

…but because of the way you make me feel…

…comforted, protected, safe and secure…

…only you.


End file.
